It may not be part of the old adage about religion and politics, but money still has the ability to divide and get people worked up. Perhaps it is the hugely abstract idea(s) behind our physical use of money that cause(s) this problem. Money is linked to the ideas of “value” and “worth.” How much are you worth? (What is your net worth?) How “valuable” one is in our society is also often linked to one’s money. And one’s use of money is also described as “wise” or not. And so on, and so on. So while part of money is very simple and tangible and “objective” (numbers, etc.), the other part is notoriously abstract and subjective (no rules on how you make it or spend it).
I recently made the mistake of getting into a mini-argument with my parents over some of their retirement funds. I feel really bad about it; I certainly wasn’t setting out to do so or purposefully be polemical in any way. A casual conversation just became complicated quickly and my mother put her foot down. After getting off the phone, I thought about it some more and came to some tentative conclusions.
Four Tips For Talking About Money
First, we have to understand that people’s decisions are their own. I need to respect what my parents do with their money, ultimately, even when this becomes difficult because they are not the “wise” decisions I would make (and what hubris there might be in that statement, too?).
Second, we need to tread a fine line between “caring” and wanting to help vs. actually just being controlling. I certainly don’t want to come off as a control freak, especially over what my parents ultimately choose to do and how they spend their life’s savings. It can be hard, though, when you think that you’re just “informing” them (or your spouse, or sibling, etc.) about how you think some financial fact really works. The other person can easily take it as overbearing, controlling behaviour on your part.
Third, we need to respect others’ boundaries. The other person may simply not want to talk about xyz, so once you learn that, don’t push it. Again, this is difficult if you feel they are making a mistake, but before you speak up make sure that you might not also be making the same mistake.
Fourth, examine your own position – are you really in a place to be giving your opinion in the first place? I’m not a financial advisor, CFP, or retirement planner. I have no official expertise in finance beyond what I’ve read and taught myself. Also, who am I to judge my parents’ financial behaviour after all the years they have supported me? It might also help to think about previous generations in order to get some historical perspective. Frugal Dad had a great post on 12 Things Our Grandparents Lived Without. It’s useful for thinking about our own contemporary limits of what counts as “enough” or “necessary.”
All of these may be very obvious points, but in my own experience it can be easy to get carried away especially on a subject you might feel strongly or passionate about. Perhaps money is no different here than any other subject.
Yet at the same time, there are aspects of financial planning that we are encouraged to speak with our parents about before it’s too late, such as wealth-transfer issues and even the possibility of pre-paid funeral arrangements, as an article on Million Dollar Journey has recently discussed. This is what makes the social life of money so difficult and stressful. The discussion goes both ways, of course. Check out Frugal Dad’s article about whether or not you should leave money to your kids.
What has been your own experience talking about money? Do you have any thoughts or suggestions to share?
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for the mention! My suggestion is to only offer advice if it is asked for. Generally speaking, people don’t like talking about money, and even more so on money advice when it’s not requested.
That sounds like a nice, safe rule to follow, for sure. Makes things strange, though, within the financial industry itself, where talking about money is how people make their living. But like I said, it’s partly just about setting boundaries. Just as a psychiatrist isn’t going to offer their psychiatric advice to everyone because they’re passionate about it:) (if they are)
Money is always a touchy topic and is something you have to be careful when talking about. Luckily my family is pretty open out finances and we are able to give advice to each other. I agree that what other people do with their money is their business and may not make sense to us, but we must respect the decisions of our family members.
Your own parents are a piece of cake compared to in-laws. Such a difficult situation to approach.